There he goes again, talking to his friends about how wonderful his boyfriend, Chris is. I can’t help but roll my eyes seeing Jay and Shannon swoon every time Jeff tells them about something sweet that Chris did for him the day before. He puts him on a pedestal like a god or something. Maybe it’s just the big brother in me that’s jealous because I can’t comfort him and be there for him whenever he needs me like I did when we used to be kids. Then again, maybe it’s something more.

I don’t know what’s been happening lately but I find myself wanting to be anywhere Jeff is. Just to be around him, I guess. I don’t know, though. I get this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies or something whenever I set my eyes on him. The scent of him totally intoxicates me. The little things he does like spending an hour in the bathroom grooming himself just to go to the store down the block or throwing a tantrum because he can’t decide which color he should dye his hair next makes me just want to take him in my arms and never let him go. And every time we touch, like hugging after winning a big match? Forget about it. My skin feels like its on fire and he’s the only thing that can extinguish it from my body. I guess what I’m trying to say is, no matter how wrong it may sound, I think I’m falling in love with my brother. That’s right; Matthew Moore Hardy is falling in love with his own brother, Jeffrey Nero Hardy. Somebody fucking shoot me.

The green on my face must be showing because here comes Shane right now, dragging me to a safe distance from Jeff so he can’t hear what we’re talking about. Shane’s the only one of my friends that I’ve confided in about how I’ve been feeling about Jeff lately. He never looked at me differently when he found out. All he did was vow his undying support for me. Maybe that’s why Shane’s my best friend. He can see the pain on my face, the way I’m looking at Jeff while he’s talking to his friends. I just know he’s going to tell me the same thing he’s been telling me since I’ve come forward to him about my feelings for my brother.

“Go tell him how you feel, Matt.”

I knew it. Just like Shane to push things and make them harder for me.

“He has Chris now, Shane, you know that. Even if I had a chance before, there’s no way in Hell I can compete with Irvine.” I tell him.

Shane sighs and puts a sympathetic hand on my shoulder before going back to his laptop to update his web site. He knows I’m right. Jeff’s so into Chris he barely notices anyone around him—me especially. I’m just his brother, after all.

Jeff doesn’t realize how much it’s breaking my heart to hear him talk the world of Chris. It breaks my heart even more knowing I can’t be with him. Being gay is one thing. But being in a homosexual relationship with your brother doesn’t sit well with most people—Hell, it squicks ME to think about it sometimes.

All of that leaves my mind when I see Jeff, though. He’s like the sunshine to my rainy day, the sound to my silence. I would give anything in the world just to hear him say my voice with love that’s not meant for a brother, but for a lover. I could give him all those things. I’d go to the ends of the universe to give him anything he wants. He could have my heart, body, and soul, but I know that’s not what he wants.

He wants Chris.

He HAS Chris.

And I have nothing.

All I have is my longing for Jeff.

He’s on the phone again. Probably talking to Chris, no doubt. That tone of voice he takes with him…sometimes I wish I was on the receiving end of that. They’re probably talking about nothing but I know Jeff calls Chris just to hear his voice. That’s usually the case anyway when Chris is out performing with his band and he’s miles and miles away from my brother. They can’t get enough of each other. They can stay on the phone for hours on end talking about anything from what they both did during the day to Jeff complaining to Chris that he’s running out of nail polish.

I try not to let it bother me, knowing I should just be happy for Jeff because he’s happy but I can’t help but be selfish sometimes. He was MY Jeff before everyone met him. MY Jeff before we came into the WWF. MY Jeff before he met Chris. I guess it’s just setting into my thick skull now that he’s not mine anymore. Maybe he never was. Maybe that’s why I’m crying with my face buried in my pillow right now to keep Jeff from hearing me while he’s talking to Chris in the bathroom.

“Matt…?”

Oh, God, I think he heard me crying.

“What’s wrong?”

FUCK. He DID hear me crying.

“Nothing, baby bro…just thinking about Momma.”

Oh, good one, Matt. Bad enough you lie to him, but you use Momma as your cover-up? Somebody really SHOULD just shoot you.

“Oh…Do you wanna talk about it?” Jeff says to me. The care in his voice just totally tears me up inside that I can’t help but start bawling.

“No, Jeff…I’ll be fine…” I choke out. Another lie. I’m on a fucking roll here.

“All right…I’ll be in the bathroom if you need me, okay?”

He takes a lock of my hair that fell in front of my face and brushes it to the side. He caresses my cheek and rubs his thumb across the skin to wipe the tears from my face. It takes everything in me to keep from leaning into his touch and kissing the palm of his hand. The look in his eyes just makes my heart melt, the touch of his skin against mine is sending currents of electricity through my body. The effect he has on me is killing me inside and he doesn’t even know it.

There they are, holding hands as they sit there in the middle of our regular morning meetings with Vince, not even a care in the world except for each other. Jeff’s just staring into Chris’ eyes and Chris is staring right back. Why can’t he look at ME like that? It kills me to know that he’s so close, yet so far away. If only things were different between us. I would make him forget about everything else like the way Chris is making him right now. But Jeff doesn’t even notice me. I’m just his brother, after all.

Jeff’s been worried about me, though. He’s been wondering why I can’t get into a relationship. I lied to him and told him that I don’t have time for one because of our job…that our schedule wouldn’t give me time for one. He even tried setting me up on a date with his best friend, but that didn’t work. Shannon’s nice, but he’s not what I want.

I want Jeff.

I want my brother.

But he has Chris.

And I have nothing.