Matt had been so proud of Jeff in the past few months. He had done so well at TNA, stayed on the straight and narrow, worked out religiously, and even settled down into a semi serious relationship. Albeit said relationship was with Shane Helms. Matt wasn’t sure what the attraction was, he’d always seen Shane as being more than a little goofy. But then again, so was his little brother. Maybe that was it.

It had been Shane who had pulled strings to get Jeff another run, a trial run in the WWE. Soon Matt had to get used to having his little brother around, something he had no problem with, and suddenly he was having to compete with Shane for Jeff’s time and attention. This he did have a problem with, although he couldn’t put his finger on the exact reason why. With Jeff away fighting his personal demons, or even striving at TNA, it had been out of sight, out of mind. Not now. Now was different. Now Matt Hardy’s entire world seemed turned on it’s ear. He seemed to no longer have a life of his own, preferring to follow Jeff around, but for once it seemed Jeff was in no need of his company. At least not like before.

Without Matt’s assistance, Jeff came back, looking better than before if not a bit smaller. Seemingly constant injury and the excessive lifestyle he chose to lead in the past had made coming back hard and while he was training in his usual voracious manner, the results seemed slow in coming. The night before his big "re-debut" he decided to streak his hair, which hadn’t been colored in sometime. Of course Shane voted for electric green and so green it was.

The WWE push was not to be. At the same time Jeff was making a clean and sober comeback, The "Road Dogg Jesse James" was trying to make a comeback too....of sorts. But clean and sober were not words he was readily familiar with.

During a dark match outside of Tucson, Road Dogg had stumbled, knocking over the ladder Jeff was perched on. Jeff fell into an unrehearsed dive from the top of the wavering ladder that stood in the center of the ring. He came crashing down outside the ring, outside the mats, with his left knee taking most of the landing. Cartilidge shredded and ligaments tore on impact.

He was immediately flown home and rushed into surgery with his regular doctor that had put him back together, one injury after another. While Shane had offered to stay and take care of Jeff... well Matt had insisted. And Matt was Jeff’s brother after all. So Matt was given an injury angle and Jeff, armed with a bottle of Vicoden and a stack of dvd’s to watch, moved back in. It was just like old times. Too much like old times as it were.

One week in, Matt had received a call from Amy saying she’d be in town for two whole nights back to back: An unheard of break in scheduling. He made plans to take her out to dinner then hit the grocery store to make sure Jeff wouldn’t starve in his absence.

He knew something was awry when he returned and asked Jeff what he was doing and Jeff replied "Watching TV." The only problem being, the TV wasn’t on.

"Oh......" Jeff said, then grinned. "Guess that’s why there was no plot, huh?"

Matt shook his head and went into the kitchen, groceries in tow. There he spied the Vicoden bottle on the counter. He eyed it suspiciously, then scooped it up and went to question Jeff.

"Um.... how many of these did you take, bro?"

"Three."

"It says to only take one."

"Well I only took one last night and I couldn’t sleep at all, I was in so much pain. I just have a high tolerance for that stuff I guess."

"Well....okay...." Matt pursed his lips together, considering his options: a hot date that could lead up to popping the question to Amy or staying home to prevent his little brother from walking through a closed window or something similarly stupid and tragic because of his current state of being drugged up.....he thought more on it as he returned to put up the groceries and then came back out.

"Maybe I should stay in and keep an eye on you..." Matt continued.

"But I’m great! I’m better than great! I’m splendiffer–splenducious—supercalifragilistic–I’m feeling pretty damn good, man!"

"Okay, I’m staying. Just let me call Amy."

"Yahooo!" Jeff began to jump up and down between his crutches as Matt grimaced. "I’ll cue up the PS2–when was the last time I kicked your ass at Vice City?"

"I have no clue, man." Matt muttered, heading for the phone.

"A loser says what?"

"Huh?"

"A loser says what?"

"What?!" Matt was beginning to get annoyed because he had no idea what Jeff was talking about.

"Exactly my point."

Matt shook his head and dialed Amy’s number.

"Um... hon....I know I said I’d take you out and all but..." He sighted and bit at his lip. "I think it’s best if I stay with Jeff." he paused. "No, no his knee seems um, okay ..." He peeked into the livingroom just in time to see Jeff attempting to dance with his crutches to the cheesy 80's music baring from the video game. "I –ah, really have to go. I’ll come by tomorrow. Love ya too. Bye."

"Jeff..." Matt began, rubbing at his five o’clock shadow. "Sit down and stop jumping around."

Jeff tossed him the controller and promptly began to bounce up and down on the couch.

"Jeff! I just said to stop moving."

"You said sit down, you did not say stop moving." Jeff said, starting the game.

"You’re just gonna re injure yourself!"

"And I’ll get to take more pills and be happy and steal cars and kill hookers and–!"

"Jeff!"

"In the game, man! No one can beat MY body count!"

"All right, fine. Go ahead."

The game started and as Matt and Jeff battled it out to see who could blow up more cars, they bumped up against each other and pushed the other away to somehow try and gain the upper hand. At first this was nothing out of the ordinary. Then Matt began to notice that Jeff’s arms slid against his own slower and lingered longer than normal. Beneath the sounds of the game he could hear Jeff muttering something to himself each time they touched. It was almost as if Jeff was just looking for excuses to touch him.

In an attempt to remedy this, Matt moved closer to the arm of the couch. But when Jeff pursued him over, he soon found himself trapped with no place to go without physically pushing Jeff off him. However, the worst thing in Matt’s mind wasn’t that he was going to be forced to push his brother away, it was that down deep he really didn’t want to.

Jeff kept sliding closer, kept rubbing against him, and just when Matt was sure that one more friendly nudge would send Jeff straight into his lap, his brother stopped suddenly.

"Damn, I’m dying of thirst." He complained, and paused the game.

"I"ll get you something!! Stay there!" Matt launched himself from the couch, desperate for escape. When he got to the kitchen he realized he was nearly panting and beginning to shake. From what? Jeff touching him? The very thought was ridiculous! He cursed his own weakness and willed himself to calm down as he guzzled part of the soda he hadn’t even been aware he had taken from the fridge. Feeling a bit better from the caffeine and sugar rush, at least momentarily better, he took a can for Jeff and returned to sit at the FAR end of the couch.

"Thanks man." Jeff sighed, accepting the Coke. He pulled the tab and took a drink before laying the can against his forehead. "Mmmmm.... cold....wet....smooth...... wonder who invented aluminum."

"RJ Reynolds?" Matt answered, before he realized Jeff wasn’t really asking to get an answer.

"Mmm....allllummmminummmm....I like saying that word." Jeff’s eyes had a cloudy, far off look to them.

"Jeff?"

"Sit closer to me, Matt. I’m lonesome. And damn, am I ever thirsty!" Jeff seemed to have forgotten the can was still held against his head. By his own hand.

"Oh boy." Matt whispered to himself. Reluctantly he slid back to Jeff’s side, covering Jeff’s hand with his own, bringing the soda can to his brother’s lips. As Jeff tilted the can to drink, he laced two of his fingers with Matt’s and did not take his gaze from Matt’s intense brown stare. When he’d finished drinking, he lowered the soda on his own, but refused to let go of Matt’s fingers.

"I miss the touch of your hand." Jeff said quietly.

"There’s nothing to miss." Matt jerked his hand away, his nails scraping the back of Jeff’s palm in their hasty retreat. Jeff only smiled as if even this slight rejection was a comfort.

"There was once. Before you learned the difference between right and wrong. Guess I never did." Jeff leaned in so close that Matt could feel the warm breath on his chin and for an instant fear and shock held him stunned and helpless. Jeff watched Matt lips part and his breath escape, then seemed to decide on another route as he sat the can on the floor. He sank his hands into Matt’s long hair slid his face against his brother’s instantly moaning at the contact.

"What is wrong with you?" Matt whispered as his voice returned.

"I crave for your touch, I worship the scent of you...." Jeff’s head tilted, sliding the tip of his nose against Matt’s sideburns. Matt suddenly came to his senses, grabbing Jeff’s hands and wrenching them out of his hair as he pulled back as far as the couch would allow.

"What are you on besides the Vicoden? You took something else, didn’t you?" he demanded and was answered by a shut eyed blissed out grin. "You’re thirsty, you’re touchy feely... ah shit!" Matt stood up and glared. "Are you just stupid? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Don’t be mad, Matty. I just wanted to see what would happen." Jeff took advantage of the empty space next to him to fall over on the cushions and snuggle against them. "Mmmm.... tweed!"

"Tweed?!"

"Or whatever the fuck this couch is made of! Did you know the lead singer of Wilco’s name is Jeff Tweedy? That’s very funny!" Jeff started to laugh as he rolled back and forth on the couch.

"You’re hopeless!! You’re gonna OD one of these days!"

"Am not! Come over here and play with me!"

"What?"

"Um.... start the game?"

Matt only growled and waved Jeff off with his hands, heading for the kitchen. He began slapping a sandwich together so hard mayonnaise was being slung all over the counter as each ingredient was plopped own on the bread. As he finished he realized he wasn’t really that hungry, but he ate anyway. Anything was better than going back out and dealing with Jeff. When he finally came back out, Jeff was pouting, head down, rubbing his arms.

"Cold?" Matt asked and Jeff just shook his head. "Did you finish the Coke?" Jeff nodded. "I think you should drink more. I’ve heard of people getting dehydrated on that shit and frying their brains."

"Cool, grab me a beer then." Jeff grinned, all smiles now that his brother was back next to him.

"That’s NOT what I meant!" Matt snapped. "Water. Like you need anything else polluting your system right now."

Matt got up and returned with a large plastic tumbler of ice water, handed it to Jeff, then sat down beside him and turned on the TV. He glanced over to make sure Jeff was actually drinking it (he was), and turned his attention to the TV. His interest though, in CSI Miami, was short lived as he felt something warm on his thigh. He absently wondered if he had accidentally let one of the stray neighborhood cats inside as he glanced down. Jeff’s hand was on his thigh.

‘Ignore it and it will go away...he’ll get tired of playing with me if I just don’t respond....’Matt thought desperately to himself. Unfortunately Matt’s thinking and his physical responses were wired on two separate lines. Not responding was not an option. No matter how Matt bit at the inside of his jaw and focused on the most pious thoughts he could muster, the minute Jeff’s hand began to slide back and forth from the outside of his thigh tot he inside stitching of his jeans, he felt himself grown hard against the zipper.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He finally exploded, pushing Jeff’s hand away, although the effort made him want to whimper. But if Matt had had enough of Jeff’s advances, Jeff was fed up with his brother pushing him around. He grabbed Matt’s arms and pushed them back hard against the couch cushions as he leaned forward.

"Look me in the eye and say from your heart and soul that you don’t want this." Jeff moved in closer, then stopped short, his lips hovering a whisper away from Matt’s, eye to eye, nose to nose. Matt was too stunned to utter a word and when his protests finally came they were swallowed by Jeff’s mouth descending upon and covering his own. Involuntarily he closed his eyes and for a moment nothing existed beyond the warmth of Jeff’s mouth.

In Matt’s mind’s eye he saw himself rising from the couch and hitting Jeff so hard he was knocked to his knees. Fortunately for Jeff, this only took place in Matt’s imagination.

"You’re not right.....in the head...." Matt moaned, wondering why he was having such a hard time pushing Jeff off him now that his hands were free. Somehow they had wrapped tightly around Jeff’s waist. When had that happened?

"I have the right to give you head?! Okay!!!" Jeff grinned, unable to stay serious for one passionate moment as he ended the kiss. This successfully broke the spell for Matt and he shoved Jeff to the other side of the couch and stood up.

"You’re sick! And I’m going to bed!! You’re on your own."

"Matt! Noooo!" Jeff lunged forward, grabbing Matt’s wrist in a vice grip. "I’ve always felt this way! It’s just that now I have the clarity to tell you!"

"That’s not clarity! That’s what I call a chemically induced mental imbalance.

"What do you call your tongue in my mouth?! Huh?" Jeff stood up unsteadily, facing Matt head on. "You want it too! Please don’t lie anymore. We’re the only one’s here, no one else needs to know!"

"Just because we CAN doesn’t mean......hell! I COULD go out and rob a liquor store right now! Doesn’t mean it’s advisable!"

"Making love to me is not robbing a liquor store! No one gets shot and money doesn’t get taken!" Jeff yelled back, then smirked. "But I guess if I’m really good, you could throw in a couple of bucks!"

"Ahhhhh!!!" Matt jerked back his wrist and covered his ears. "Don’t say that! That’s ....that’s.....not right!"

Taking advantage of Matt’s hands being so near his head and away from his body, Jeff stepped forward and slid a hand between Matt’s leg, gripping his firmness gently.

"You may say it, but you obviously don’t believe it. At least part of you doesn’t."

Matt said nothing, held immobile by Jeff’s touch once more. Slowly his hand came down and overtook Jeff’s, holding it tightly. Not firm and gentle, tight and with determination.

"Whatever this is... you need to sleep it off." Matt’s words were deliberate, delivered through clenched teeth. "Trust me, you will feel differently about all this in the morning."

"No I—!"

Matt clamped his other hand over Jeff’s mouth only to feel the tongue on his skin once more as Jeff nipped at his fingers. He sighed.

"I’m going to bed, Jeff. You should too." Matt turned and hurried away, knowing Jeff was too crippled to follow in much haste.

Matt headed straight for his shower, turned the dial as cold as it would go and slipped beneath it’s icy spray. But it wasn’t the cold needles of water he felt on his skin, it was still the touch of Jeff’s hands. It was as familiar as his own touch yet as foreign as the smell of a new country when you first stepped from the airport. He hoped to God Jeff had just gone on to bed. He had no clue why he had chosen this night to be so...forward. It was bad enough to be forced to confront theses feelings, but to do so only because Jeff was messed up on God-knows-what-all, and would most likely regret deny or simply not remember his actions. Matt sighed as he lathered his torso and grabbed for a bottle of shampoo. It was simply a no win situation, and a situation they had tried before. It’s not that it wouldn’t work, it’s that Matt’s conscience wouldn’t let it work. As right as what little they had done had felt then and now, it was wrong. Morally wrong. Unable to listen to his heart, his listened to his conscience instead. Back then Matt had told Jeff ‘You’re too young and you’re listening to your hormones’ and had pushed him away. And Jeff, to be fair, had never tried again..... ‘until tonight’ Matt thought bitterly. . ‘Why tonight? Why now?’ Matt furtively scrubbed at his arms much harder than was needed. Yeah, he had pushed Jeff away all right, right into the arms of one guy, after another, after another....He felt guilty, he felt responsible, but never enough to act on it and tell Jeff the truth, that maybe, just maybe he had always felt the same way.

As he stepped from the shower he listened. The house was completely quiet. No floorboards creaked, no TV or radios played. He let out a sigh of relief. Jeff was undoubtably asleep somewhere. He took his time toweling off, blow drying extra conditioner into his long, thick hair, putting on pajama bottoms, and finally stepping out into the darkness of his room. Not caring to break the comfortable gloom around him, he didn’t bother to turn on the light as he made his way to the bed, pulled down the covers and sank in. He was almost asleep when the space beside him shifted. Jumping, he was just about to snap on the light and reach for a weapon when he heard Jeff’s voice.

"Love that magnolia shampoo you use."

Suddenly the TV beside the bed sprang quietly to life, the word "MUTE" flashing at the bottom of the screen as Jeff flipped until he found Sports Center.

"What are you doing here?" Matt sighed and fell back limply into the pillows, happy not to have to defend his life, not happy to see Jeff. Well not entirely unhappy either.

"You said to go to bed. You didn’t say whose."

"Whatever." Matt rolled over with his back to the TV glare. Moments later he felt fingers combing through his hair, coming to rest on his shoulders.

"Jeff...."

"I know I made you all tense and annoyed. Let me take care of it for you." The hands began to rub at his shoulders, fingers seeking their way into the knotted strands of muscles. "I love the way you feel." Jeff whispered.

"Jeff! You’re on X.........a plastic blow up doll would feel good to you!" Matt rolled over on his back and glared. Seconds later he realized this was the wrong course of action. Jeff had apparently taken this new position as an invitation to straddle Matt’s prone body. Before Matt could blink, much less protest, Jeff was somehow on top of him, rotten knee be damned! Jeff’s hands sank into Matt’s hair on either side of his face and gazed down at him.

"I love you more than my own body, more than my own life. I’d die without you Matt. And I know you’re scared. That’s okay, I spent years being scared. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend anymore. If I wasn’t sure you didn’t feel at least some of what I’m feeling I would never dream of doing this. But that’s just it Matt. I know you. I know I’m right. And this isn’t the drugs talking. They only give me the courage to say what’s in my heart."

"Seriously Jeff. No." Matt pleaded, his heart racing in his ears. "You may have come to terms with this. Maybe you only THINK you have. I haven’t. Not now. Not tonight. Jeff, please don’t do this—."

Jeff sank forward, his bare chest colliding with Matt’s as he brought their lips together. As much as he protested, Matt’s mouth opened of it’s own accord, allowing Jeff’s tongue entrance before it was even sought.

Jeff slid his mouth to Matt’s ear, not bothering to retract his tongue as his grazed across Matt’s face, making him moan out loud.

"You’ve never been with another guy, have you?" Jeff panted in his ear. Matt shook his head. "You know I have. I’ve never hid it. I always pretended it was you Matt, always."

There was no fighting it, no hiding or trying to cover it up. Jeff’s words were making Matt so hard he thought he was going to burst from his own skin.

"Tell me you want me, Matt. Just this once, please tell me!"

"Why? You won’t remember it tomorrow!" Matt argued, his mind the last holdout as his heart and body crumbled.

"Then I guess we’ll just have to do it all again when I wake up then!"

"No!!!" Matt couldn’t imagine doing it again. He couldn’t imagine doing it now. He wanted it, he just couldn’t imagine it.

Jeff sighed and moved his lips down Matt’s jaw to his neck. There they stayed, biting and licking as his hands caressed Matt’s chest. Matt’s heart was speeding up, he was panting, fighting to catch his breath, and he knew there was no hiding this from Jeff.

"I won’t hurt you, Matt." Jeff appeared to have read his mind, his voice just shy of a whine. "You can be on top. I want you to. I brought everything we’ll need." He paused, his breath cascading over Matt’s face as he threaded his fingers into the brown hair once more, holding Matt tightly in place. "Fuck me, Matt! I know you want to, I know you want me.... please... Don’t be scared. I’ll—I’ll start!"

The room spun around him, Matt blinked, unsure if he had heard right.

"Start? Start what?"

But it was too late, Jeff had slid down the length of his body and yanked his pajama bottoms to his knees.

"Oh god! Jeff! What are you----?"

Jeff’s mouth engulfed him, the blond and green strands of his hair hitting Matt’s stomach again and again as he bobbed his head. There was no more fighting to be done. For Matt Hardy the battle had been lost. The deed h ad been done, or at least begun. He was damned and there was no turning back. It was liberating and terrifying and he felt as drunk as if he’d been the one mixing the pills. He sank his hands into Jeff’s hair, arching his back, crying out as loud as he wanted because he knew they were the only two people to hear it.

Matt lay there, dazed, thinking that this was simply not possible. It wasn’t really happening, he wasn’t really enjoying it .... it was inconceivable. Jeff’s skin was warm against his legs and thighs and somewhere in the midst of this activity his pajama bottoms had been discarded. Finally the hands that had held Jeff’s head between Matt’s legs finally began to tug to pull him up.

"Jeff? Are you sure? We could just do... this for the rest of then ight. Are you sure you want .... more than this? Now?"

"Yes! God yes, Matt!" Jeff’s mouth had now attached itself to Matt’s neck and was closing in on his collarbone at an alarming rate.

"You said you had what we needed.... but ...."

"I’ve got it and I trust you. You have done this with chicks, right?"

"Well, YEAH, but ....."

"All right then. Same thing. Sort of."

"But....your leg and all...."

"I am feeling no pain right now, bro!"

"Don’t call me that!" Matt whispered fiercely. It was the last thing he needed to be reminded of. "I know you’re good tonight, I just don’t want you hurting tomorrow or me doing something that’s gonna set back your progress."

He gave in finally, to everything. All the talking and reasoning had failed. He began to stroke Jeff’s hair, and kissed the top of his head.

"I can lay on my back." Jeff said softly, his eyes glimmering in the pale flicker from the forgotten tv set. "I’ll wrap my legs around you if they start to hurt, that way there won’t be any weight on them."

Matt nodded, still staring at Jeff as if he were speaking a foreign language. It was then he became aware of Jeff’s hands again, where they had been before he didn’t know, but now they slid up either side of his face and drew him down into a kiss. It started soft and timid but soon became an open mouthed battle for each one’s tongue to claim dominance. Jeff was moaning, the sounds like tiny pulses racing through Matt’s body, setting him on fire.

"I don’t’ think I can last much longer, just touching you." Matt panted, pulling away. "If you’re ready, we should...."

Jeff nodded, but made no further move other than to place Matt’s hand on the drawstring of the sweat pants he was wearing.

"Oh....yeah...that.....would help, right....?" Matt chuckled nervously. He pulled lose th string, closed his eyes and slid the thick fabric carefully down Jeff’s legs. He mentally shook his head at himself, he couldn’t go through with this with his eyes closed!

"Matt..."

Before he could think further, Jeff had sat up, grabbed him and pulled him down, face to face, skin to skin. His erection slid against Jeff’s thigh and Jeff’s hit his stomach. Matt gasped so hard at the sensation that he nearly choked.

"I’ve been tested, Matt." Jeff was saying to him now. Whether this was the beginning of the sentence or the end, Matt had no idea. "I know I"m clean but I want you to have that peace of mind too. I want you to feel safe with me." Jeff took one of Matt’s hands from his chest and placed a condom in it. Then Matt sensed a change in his voice, it lost it’s urgency, lost it’s maturity and became softer and pleading and Jeff looked away, over Matt’s shoulder and into the darkened room. "If it helps, you can just pretend I’m a girl. It....it won’t hurt my feelings or anything." The tone of his voice made a lie of his last sentence, but he pressed on. "I really thought you wanted this as much as me, I’m not sure if I’m right anymore......"

"Jeff...." Matt leaned in, claiming his lips for the first time uninvited to do so. It was more than he could take to hear Jeff so sad. "It’s not that I don’t want you. We should have talked first. I just didn’t think....all this....tonight. I .... hell! I never thought I would be this .....scared."

"Then let me do everything. Just touch me, Matt. Tell me you love me. I’ll do the rest."

Matt sighed with relief, let Jeff take back the condom and inclined his head to nibble at Jeff’s ear as Jeff’s hands deftly stroked him to the ultimate hardness, slid the condom on and slicked him with lubrication. All this was done as Matt tried his best to touch Jeff in the same manner, all the while feeling clumsy and awkward in comparison to Jeff’s graceful touch.

He could feel the stickiness on Jeff’s fingers as they trailed up his back and tangled into his hair.

"You’re ready, I’m ready....God Matt—you don’t know—you’ll never understand how bad I’ve wanted this....how I’ve had to hide it, how I’ve had to wait, how I lied to myself. I love you Matt. I know that you love me too or else you wouldn’t do this, but you should know.... even if we never did this I’d still love you until the day I died." Jeff’s fingers gripped harder into Matt’s thick hair, as if to prove the urgency of his words. "I want you. Do it. Now."

Matt took a deep breath, slid his hands between Jeff’s thighs and leaned in ....

Both men gasped in perfect synchronicity. One of Jeff’s hands stayed in Matt’s hair, the other found the small of Matt’s back, pulling him down so hard, Matt was sure his brother was trying to absorb him. He opened his eyes to see Jeff beneath him, mouth opened in an unspoken moan, eyes burning into his own. Right then they were the only two humans alive.

"God... Matt..." Jeff sighed, finally blinked, and licked at his lips. He took one of Matt’s hands from his waist, holding it to his cheek as he nuzzled and kissed against it, his eyes closing.

"You okay?"

"Mmmmmm...." Jeff stretched out beneath him, cat like, as he slid one of Matt’s fingers into his mouth and sucked on it. Matt shuddered and collapsed on top of him, burying his head in Jeff’s neck.

"........mmm.....Matty?" How long had Jeff been speaking? He’d been lost in the drone of his sighs for so long, he had no awareness of anything but the heat of Jeff’s body around him and the softness of his touch.

"Huh?" Matt raised his head to see Jeff grinning at him.

"I’m not Sting."

"What?"

"I’m not tantric! You can move now, you know?"

"Huh...? OH!!" I’m an idiot! Have I just totally forgotten how to do this? Matt cursed himself as be began to slowly rock his hips against Jeff. Every movement made Jeff cry out and moan, pulling at Matt’s hair and every sound and touch from Jeff sent Matt further to the edge. Not that he needed much coaxing: committing the ultimate sin had an excitement all his own. Sin... the word hung in the back of Matt’s mind, but was quickly pushed back as the here and now intruded once more.

"OH god!! Matt! Oh god....that’s great!! ah...." Jeff’s head was slammed back against the pillows, his muscles clenched, one hand still stuck in Matt’s hair, tangling and ruring him on . The other slid around his own erection, jerking in time to Matt’s strokes.

Every movement coaxed more moans from Jeff, urging him on and that in turn made Matt move that much harder and faster and this cycle went on for .... Matt had no idea how long it lasted before this sudden moment of clarity surfaced. As if a spotlight in his mind had been turned on, it dawned on Matt at once what he was seeing: his brother, his own blood, beautiful and strange and exotic, enticing...intoxicating....laying beneath him, engulfing him on all sides, screaming his name, touching himself, on the verge of getting off...all because of him. He wanted to tell Jeff he loved him, tell him he was beautiful, tell him he was sorry they had waited so long for this, but it was too late.

In one instant Matt came so hard, so fast, he could not articulate it past a scream that turned his vision to black and crumpled his body on top of Jeff’s just as Jeff began to buck against him, crying out and drawing Matt’s release out well past what it’s duration should have been.

It was several minutes before Matt was aware of anything at all. First he realized he was cold, Jeff had probably hiked the a/c earlier to counteract the effects of the ecstacy. Then it was the warmth of Jeff’s body against his, then movement, Jeff pulling the sheets over him as he was drawn into a loving embrace. Finally it was the sound of Jeff’s voice...

".....it’s okay Matt...it’s all right now."

Matt gasped, like it was the first real breath he had taken in hours.

‘Oh please let this be a dream....I passed out on the couch after eating a pizza with rancid anchovies....I really didn’t just do this.’ Jeff’s lips were on his again, not parting them, merely touching. The touch sent tingles to every pore in his skin.

"You did so good, Matty. You were great. Thank you." Jeff kissed him again. "It was worth every second of every year that I waited for you." Jeff’s hands rubbed against his arms, moving up to his shoulders, lifting the hair that was tuck there, piling it on the pillow behind him. "You’ve made my life complete. We’re inseparable now. You’ve made me the happiest person alive."

Making Jeff happy–that was a good thing, right? Then why did he feel awful? Matt closed his yes and tried to put everything else from his mind. Why did he feel so guilty? Why did he feel as if he had just murdered someone and the cops were right outside his door ready to break it in and drag him away? Closing his eyes made it worse so he opened them only to find the panic was still there and so was Jeff. Jeff certainly looked happy. He gazed adoringly up at Matt and took his hand. Numbly Matt allowed his hand to be led until it touched the stickiness of Jeff’s stomach, the physical evidence that once again this was no blackout drunk bad pizza fever dream. For a split second Matt felt like he couldn’t breath and thought just maybe he was going to throw up.

"I’m gonna go get cleaned up!!" Matt carefully but quickly extracted himself from the tangle of Jeff’s body and limbs and headed for the bathroom.

"Could you get me some water?" Jeff called after him.

"Sure." Matt didn’t turn around to reply. He did not turn on the light, now relishing the coolness of the air and stood there taking deep breaths in the bathroom until he was sure he was not going to faint or become sick. He also did not turn on the light because he didn’t want to see himself in the mirror right then. He cleaned by touch and then took his time getting to the kitchen, bringing back two bottles of water and finally climbing back in bed with great hesitation.

"Matt! You were so amazing! You just don’t know—!" Jeff took the bottle offered him and drank readily.

"I don’t think we should talk about htis now." Matt interrupted. "Please, let’s just go to sleep, huh?"

"But...you don’t know how long I"ve wanted to make you come, Matt! How long I’ve wanted to feel you inside me..."

"Jeff!! I mean it! Cut it out!!" Matt flashed Jeff a look of warning to let him know he meant business, but it was lost on his brother.

"What were you thinking when you touched me, Matt?" Jeff babbled on, oblivious to his brother’s obvious discomfort.

"I was thinking I am going to hell!! And it’s all your fault!!" Matt yelled, before he could stop himself. "I was thinking that this is the last time this ever happens! I was thinking I want to throw up over what we just did and if you ever touch me again I’ll fucking hurt you!!"

"But.... But .. .Matt..." Jeff had recoiled away from the angry words and was as far on his side of the bed as was possible. "I thought... you wanted it.....didn’t you?" Jeff’s shock was evident as he stumbled over his words.

Matt had wanted it, there was no way he could lie about it, but he was so mad and guilt ridden he wasn’t about to admit to that just then. He was older, he was bigger and he was perfectly sober and healthy. If he had wanted to stop it, he could have. This point seemed to just now dawn on him. Where was this logic an hour ago??

"We’re not talking about this now! You’re fucked in the head! Just---- just shut up about it!!"

"You let me kiss you....you let me touch you . . . .!!" Jeff continued on.

"Cuz you wouldn’t leave me the hell alone, that’s why!" Matt got up and grabbed his pillow.

"Where are you going? This is your bed!"

"Somewhere so I won’t wake up with you on top of me trying to rape my ass or something! You have no concept of the word no, of the word wait, of not now! You’re so fucking spoiled. You’re sick and you’re gonna end up turning into a junkie and I don’t even wanna be near you right now!!"

Matt fled the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.